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    Friday, November 19, 2010

    How To : create a Viral Email..

    To many cubicle zombies, a good read that gives you that laugh (or hypochondriac scare) with your morning cup of coffee is all you need to start your day. Of course, the reality is, it's a more effective tool helping you waste your day while faking work by moving piles of papers around the table and stapling plane A4's to each other. Therefore, the quality of those emails is a craftsmanship on its own, and a skill that needs to be sculpted and mastered to put the company servers into good use, or any use at all.

    Today, I'll teach you just that, dear Saudi procrastinator, and you shall forever be in my debt. Make the damn jump.. NOW!


    For the following step-by-step idiot-proof tutotrial, i suggest you print it out via a company's printer, using company crappy A4 papers, and then test it out on any company-supplied machine. The more company'isque the materials are, the more authentic the results will be.

    So, lets get this over with..

    To create/write/steal a good forwarded viral email, consider some (preferably all) of the following:

    - arranged in no particular order -

    . Hardware 
    A working computer, with a functioning keyboard and mouse. In other words, any company given machine will do, hopefully.

    . Personality
    No need for a humanly-functioning sense of humor. Having several smiling and tongue-sticking emoticons handy will make whatever crap you write seem funny enough to be forwarded.

    . Typography
    The ability to annoyingly alternate between Bold, Italic and Underline to attract the readers eye to what you think is convenient. Use all of them, and your chances of success will increase by at least 50%.

    . Color your text
    Based on highly credible sources and studies by the WaterCooler discussion podium, most employees are color blind, so your annoying use of annoying colors to annoyingly annoy the heck of the already annoyed-by-work employee is a must. The more badly contrasted the text is, like a bright yellow text with a white background, the more authentic your email is.

    . Previous Forwards
    A quality that has to be preserved is the chain of paragraphs after paragraphs of email address and email titles from the previous contributors to the forwarding chain of life. You can be honest about your work and actually fabricate 3 pages worth of fake emails, but copying an existing one from another forwarded email would do. You will never reinvent the wheel, so save it.

    . Media
    One of the two main driving forces that make certain emails go viral is the media they host. The more animated (and badly ripped from YouTube) they are, the more the reader would give a crap. If you don't have a video, you can either attach a drastic awe-inspiring image that is not directly relevant to your content, but vaguely relates to your target reaction. Or an image that is supposed to be hilarious, but it's too NSFW to tell, thus the adrenaline rush of trying to sneak a good peak when your cubicle life partner is not there. Or, as a final resort, whatever animated GIF that is repeated all over the email, making the machine bleed it's already-limited power.

    . Content
    The second driving force. Many famous viral emails throughout corporate history have 3 main things in common. Whatever topic you want to write, fake or propagate  way out of proportion, always remember:

    1. All the life-shifting changes proved/disproved/fabricated in your email should be based on some extensive research by a known university abroad. The more infidel'ish the name is, the more gasps of shock will be produced by the reader.

    2. All the news sources should be from populate online sites, and you should always contain the same exact line "it was reported on X website, check this very long hard-to-copy and paste link"

    3. You have to use the love/fear of god in trying to encourage your victims, oh I mean readers, to send this on, and that you personally promise on your anonymous credibility that this is all true and it was told/happened to/heard from a well-connected friend/relative of yours.


    Now that I gave you enough to start off your viral career (and probably end your already existing one), go my child, and infest those corporate inboxes. Make me proud.


    Yours,
    13th floor Upper management
    (the TBS cover page guys)


    -------

    [ note : the content above doesn't represent, in any possible way, the views of the esteemed writers of this blog, all 99 of them, and was provided here for educational and informational purposes only ]  

    7 comments:

    1. This was very funny and sadly true :)

      When somebody asked me for my E-Mail: I say, that I will give it to you under one condition which is that you promise that you will not send me any E-Mails :D

      ReplyDelete
    2. This Post should've been viral by now ;) !

      Loved it , Sharing it for sure ... Keep them coming bro !

      ReplyDelete
    3. This is awsum i used this technique for my winning the lotto using law of attraction blog. And i got over 1000 views in under 2weeks. Visit www.lottovisualisation.blogspot.com

      ReplyDelete
    4. Is this a racist view

      125,000 years ago black Africans left Africa, Some headed to India then Far East Asia then Australia then Scandinavia settling in those

      places. 80,000 years later there were 4 more distict ethnic groups, Scandinavians (blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin) Indian, Oriental,

      Aboriginie. The Ice-age got worse 45,000 years ago so Scandinavians left and spead into South Europe then Asia and Far East Asia. They

      mixed with Indians forming Arabic types and mixed with Orientals forming Chinese types. These Arabic and Chinese types then moved back

      West mixing with more Skandinavians forming Slavs and mediterranean Europeans. So Europeans are mostly Skans with some Indian and

      Oriental giving them brown hair,eyes, etc?

      Thats right isnt it? oh and we mixed with neanderthals aswell!

      We are mutts! Why is this information not televised?

      ReplyDelete
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